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I've been shoving these kinds of emotions, refusing to be taken back to that place, where I sit and become a dull-witted ass for hours, cryin over this guy. No. Enough of it. No more. Yet listening and reading her stories, cant help but take me back to those jots in the guts. And before I knew it, I am there again. Transported to this very place where things are just too cold to explain. I can't help but to get down right annoyed. Annoyed that the whole thing (if you digest it deep enough) comes from this so called romanticsm shoved in our head since we were able to read those little happy fairy tales of cinderella. Annoyed that the fact I got burned bad the last time is because of this "intrinsically higher form of love" idea. Idea that i've found "THE ONE". Matched in heaven and shit, descended to earth to find the soul half lost to be reunited and live happily ever after. well... Bulshit. I think finding "THE ONE" is highly overrated. Seriously. I mean, what is it about anyway. Is there "THE ONE" out there, really? Or is it just some illusion we all created out of some pathetic self-indulgence to have that person who can provide this magic "snow white fairy tale" mirror for ourselves to repeat "yes, you are the worthiest people alive, the smartest, the most beautiful, the most wonderful creature ever created". I mean, this is ultimately what we're seeking for, isnt it? The affirmation that we are worthy of being. To cure this unending pathetic insecurities that every single mother fuckers in this world possess (if you say you dont, get the fuck outta here as I do not welcome liars). Hell, even Aristotle yakked it that the first condition for the highest form of love ("THE ONE" automatically renders the highest concept. The most perfect) is that a man loves himself. This is the case, aint it. It aint about the soul (of the term "soul mate" to describe "THE ONE"). Its about the narcisstic thirst in us to always be reminded to our worth. This explains why we always search for someone that matches us. There is zero to none possibility on "THE ONE" equation over there, that we would settle for someone faaaar from our liking. I mean, if we would, well..the word "THE ONE" would simply lose all meaning then, wouldn't it? As for me, my friend? Hell, Im done seaching for it. I thought I had it one time, and had him taken away from me. And theres no way, I want to be put in the same pit again. To me now, I say, fuck the one. There aint the one out there. There are only our insecurities. And Im not gonna spend hours of my life looking for it just cuz I need something to cure my insecurities. Hell, i dont wanna be that kind of egotist. The whole thing is just some pretty little delusion to cloud our mind and prevent us to work on the real thing. There aint the one, im telling ya. There are only people with the same kind loneliness who hope to overcome the miserable-ness someday. And yes. im settling for that. I am settling for "le miserables". Hell, it does sound more romantic that way anyway, doesnt it? No. This isnt about romanticizing the idea. This is about knowing that life is just too precious to be wasted on something that only lazy ass fuck would gladly gobbles cuz they're simply too lethargic to work on reality. yup Tuesday, February 17, 2004
welcome to my new world.
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about me A little more confused as time goes, but a little more peaceful within the confusion. Learned that nothing will reach perfect balance but the act of balancing that counts. Learned that losing is the way to finding. Learned that sometimes you need to let it happenned to you. I've lost my 2 cats, i was heartbroken for awhile, and ive grown so much since my living days in paradise. I'm close to understanding of what it is, and close to accepting of why it is not.
Reading: Fave book:Fountainhead - Ayn Rand, 5 ppl u meet in heaven, mitch albom, chuck palahniuk all of them, supernove-dee, list is growing.. Listenin to: Woman in You Ben Harper; Sullivan Street, CC; Exit music, Radio Head; Beautiful Mistake, Better than ezra; Left and Leaving, the weakerthans Top 5 band: DMB, CC, the weakerthans, Stevie wonder, Doors, Smiths, nina simone, deatch cab, bright eyes (for the badass lyrics) I like +being trusted +being appreciated +watching people playing comp games +strawberries. It makes me happy +flavored water +wickedly smart people who talks humbly +cd & book stores +bathroom & food section in Supermarket +musicians who sing with eyes closed +puppies and my kitties. +hipster pants +badazz tight Tees +cute colored bras +odd and psychotic disturbed movies +chick & teen flick +sappy emo songs +poetic lyrics +anyone who appreciate my sense of humor +short haired artsy kinda guys +guys who wear black, look deppresed and get away with it +my absentmindedness. gets me to forget unimportant stuffs +sincere and honest people +writing. +spicy food. +shrimp crackers with used cooking oil taste on them +laughing till my guts hurt +...that one guy +new york seen through movies +latino men +warm pretzel, hot earl grey, oversized jammies, and quietness in the middle of wicked rain. I dont like +being manipulated +bring treated like im sturpid +being taken for granted +being teased on something im pretty serious about +stupid people +manja people +people who show up w/o an appointment +worries +small talks +being scrutinized +typing sms +Typical Jakartan girls. Or boys +interminable questioning or blabbering +whiskey. yuck. +tiny little details of everything. It makes me wanna run "the home alone" way, screaming my head off, arms way above my head going aaaaaaaaaaa +being bored +japanese girls. sorry. no reason. I just dont. they bug me +Italian guys. yes. same reason. they bug me
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all around me My e-mail My poetic side Sign my guest book On writing Ive been scribbling gibbers and jabbers, some non important stuff, some stuff that exist only in mu mind, for as long as i can remember. When i was like 9 yrs old, i wrote something poetic in english( based only from my knowledge of english from Six Million Dollar Man & Taxi TV series, and flaunted it to my dad. ALong in there somewhere was this line:... My brain is traffic jam (literal translation for Indonesian of I cant think. My mind is jammed.) I remembered My dad's face when he looked up at my gleaming prideful face with total confusion. It was a sight to see. From then on I was challenged to write more in English, and make such a word outta that "trafic jam" expression. I had a blast. So i continued writing. In english.
Few numbers of attempt in writing novel has been done already. Always stop halfway or sometimes the mere 10% way. I am now turning the table to screen writing and play writing. STill very much a newbie on this one, but I got software from someone who cares enuff to think that i have some potential ( I honestly think that he was just being nice). Workin on 2 stories already and its bitchiiin doin it. Always had the greates time. You know those times when you just dive into it and suddenly hours are gone, and you left with that satisfied look on your smile llike you've been feasting some really good meal with expensive wines. I always thought that I should be a writer. I should do this thing that makes me forget hours. Im just not sure if i am good enuff. ANd that sometimes kills every instinct i have or even slight skill that i seem to posess in writing and put such a huge block in my mind. But i dunno. Im having the greatest time writing. I sometimes prefer to write than talkin to people. People is scary. (and im beginning to sound like a hermit). On Love Well..this is rather difficult. I dont know really. Wisdom that comes from love usually comes with this painful pocket full of coins collected from past failures. Ya dont wanna poke them, really. But to be honest, I dont know jack
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