Sometimes, i wish i am not so apathetic and indifferent. I wish that I am more of a happy kind a girl that would find million things to talk about only from the sound of bird chirpin in the morning. Girls who'd seriously willing to tick the polls of "Do you think David Beckham is cheating on his wife" and carefully read the options available to finally answer: - Are you crazy. Have you seen his wife??

yeah. uhmmm...(blank expression).... (lookin around) who the fuck cares anyway?

I have been hearing a lot of ghost stories lately, and found myself meddling the sense of it in my brain. The top act was when I got this email from my pal in Jakarta about scariest places in Jakarta. I read through it, found it even more mind-boggling. Along with many scariest places he mentioned, there are 2 that have some sightings of kid ghosts, or should we call here: "kidost" (Kiddy ghost), and then there is one guy from way back in dutch colonial era, and there are many oh so many places invested by pretty female ghosts. Instead of getting spooked, I get this niggling wonderment about, how is it people become ghost in da first place. What did they do. Is it a punishment, cuz you cant go to ..oh idk....appropriate place to be when you die or somethin or why is there such an in between place between earth and above earth (or is it beyond)

Now, This takes me back to the concept of Heaven and Hell. Which I recalled are the place to choose once your time is up. I put the word "choose" here, becuz, it should correspond to your action in life. You CAN choose where you want to go. Obviously, all wants to go to heaven, but same as many choices we have in our life, there are halting elements. You cant just say you want, but neglecting the course of action requires to be taken, or simply oblivious to the consequences. When you say you W A N T, there are certain menus you have to follow. Just like clicking something on the internet, it'll automatically take you to the path where you are heading.

In my mind, things are quite simple. You do good? Heaven. Bad? Hell. Good? Candy. Bad? Poison. Those kinda thing. You do even numbers of both? Weigh it out. If your bad supercede your good? Burn! And Vice versa. So where does this ghost world lie in? It aint quite Heaven (of course). Certainly a living ghost hell but not quite hell yet. Why? What constitute it? What is it that these people lacking (or possess more) than the people who don't get the ticket to ghost world. Is it attitude, the way you carry your life, the way you die, how well you die or how bad you die, or what? And why do they linger for so long (assuming that since the ghost from dutch era is still there haunting people) without a way of redemption. What puzzle me more is that, why is there kid ghost? Kids are purest being. Sinless. Clean and untainted. How come they become ghost? Shouldn't there be a place reserved for them alredy? Like Kid's heaven. Where there are plenty of toys all around without time limit to amuse their ass off?

These questions lead me to my wonderment of their nature. What is ghost. Do they live? Do they have their own real estate, social group, time counts, or even values on how to be a good ghost. Are they what you call a "spirit"? or an Energy. Left bare after the parting of body and soul. So what here, they're not "soul"? exactly how many parts of human beings anyway? I know body which is physical. I know soul, which is metaphysical. So what are energy or spirit? where do they belong? Do they have their own king or president, senior or junior citizen. How come European ghost never appear in ...oh say...Java. How come Kuntilanak, never make her grand appearance in ohh.. say...Milwaukee. Are they territorial? Are they direction blind? (I used to think its cool to be ghost since you don't have to pay aifare to travel) But.. do they travel? If they do.. it'd be mighty cool to be a ghost. How do they get there in the first place. Is it becuz they sin so much in life? (why is there hell for), Do they die in such a painful way so they cant find the way to hell or heaven?
But, damn. This what got me confused. Why God create these 2 places (hell or heaven) if eventually there'd be some people who'd stray and wouldn't find their way? Why do they stray? Is this somekind of punishment for what they've done in life? But...Shouldn't God be the most forgiving being that He/She can foresee and absolve this?

Is ghost somekind of entity that needs to be forgiven? Or are they just normal being that just poor outta luck? Simply took a wrong turn one day and boom. Be ghost. Like those wrong turn we do from time to time, "shit! I miss my exit!" kinda thing? And make a hell ass shot to get back and get that right turn. Is that what ghost is? Is that how they stray? Poor bastards.
What Is Ghost. Or even....IS THERE EVEN SUCH THING AS GHOST?

So hey. Havent written anything for coupla days. My computer got sucked down into some weird technology blunder and it decided to stop. cold turkey. on me. It was a growing process of emotions..this without computer thing. I experienced pretty much everything : Indifference -- Irritated-- Irritated a bit more-- then a wee bit more-- Panick settled in (2 days w/o comp provin to have turned my office into some kid hell) -- some moree panick -- a lot more panick (3 days w/o comp proven to have turned me into some freecell windows game expert and also a mumblin idiot) -- BIG PANIC -- MOOORE BIG PANIC (throw in some mighty sensitive bitch mode) -- finally an EXPLOSION. Ahh. yes. finally I got in to a huge dramatic fight with my co worker. He yelled. I yelled. Both trapped in some monstrous fit. Then I cried. Yes. Today? I cried. over some dramatic humpy fit of not having a computer.

It is really difficult to express how i feel afterwards. It is almost like those moments when the storm cease to hurl. Strange silence and calmness. Almost like holding breath under water. All clearer yet more closing. I regret the whole burst of emotion thing and wish that I had been wiser. Wish things didnt happen that way. But...

hmm... et nihil humanun. We are only human.

We do shit things. and wish we didnt release those craps. We look ahead shoving whats been done, and hope we'd get wiser. But we never do get wiser. Cuz life evolve in so much frenzy, we forget what path we took. what lesson we reaped. We end up steppin on the same (but different smell) of crap, and -- wishin all over again to not do the shit.
Then--all over again-- we look ahead. shoving whats been done, and hope we'd get wiser. Life is a circle. We're bound to step on shit and wish we'd worn some protection boots. But we never do. We always go barefeet. and bound to get smelly.

Im not makin any sense. Im just deppressed. Huggin myself.

Okay. PMS kickin in. I am now officially in the mood to snap somebody's jaw off. Especially those who dare come my way and say some idiotic ninny bullshit. Like this one guy. He's the rep people of the band I hired for Monday night? He (much to lack of grey cells in his freekin already empty head) likes to show up without makin an appointment. Just show up. Like its his office. Using this fake sugar coated "hello everybody" greeting (which that alone enough to drive me into scowling madness).

So there I was, writing a goddamned monthly report, snarling, complete with wicked side glance, uttered a sweet yet deadly comment to him,
"You do have a gist to show up here without an appointment, don't ya? Some people don't consider that entertaining you know"
He laughed (oh! That fake sugar coated laugh! I want to kill this guy) and said
"Iya doong. I like to surprise you" (translation: Iya doong =Yes, of course)

Now, there only 2 possibilities on this:

1. He stupid enough not to see my parading that "If look could kill..." look.

2. He's nervous, and tried to cover it up by saying the most ridiculous dumbass stuff which takes me back to my first suspicion (that he's stupid) cuz -- YOU DON'T CHALLENGE THE MOST VALID SARCASM WITH A DENSE COMEBACK!!! (especially not when you see that the person means it!)

Then, believe it or not? He tried to make a joke out of it. He said "Wow, you look like you mean it," (I raised one of my eyebrow) Duh! Ya of course I mean it. What are you made of? Some stupid 4 colored velvety freakos known to scare parents shitless by saying.. "berpelukaaan!" fuckin teletubbies???

I didn't say anything. I sighed tho, while forcing a smile. Then he sat there in my office, looking mightily comfortable. ( Oh dear lord, what exactly went through your mind when creating this...being).
I gave up. Produced his contract, and handed to him. Then he gave me this look like I was a dumb secretary, and said, "pulpennya dong" (translation: wheres the pen). Oh! That is it!! Time to bite his head off. I snapped "You came here to sign a contract, careless of what my schedule is, and didn't bring a pen??". He looked at me and jokingly said, "I am a musician. Why would I bring a pen. Its not my job".

I was in awe.

Well...I then should humbly resigned. For this is waaay beyond my comprehension. I just cant force myself to swim along the pond of idiocy with this guy. I smiled my sweet sweet smile, handed him the pen, let him signed the contract, put him in my payroll, and made the time to make him feel like he has conquered the world, waved at him while he walked off with satisfied smiles. I mean, dude. If the guy wants to stay stupid, let him be clueless and feel like a king in the process, by all means.

Sigh. There should be a Fine for being a dumbass. Ya. Im dumb. Heres 50 thou.

Yes. PMS kicked in and Yes. Im a bitch.


Sorry. PMS went over my head. Unnecessary rants

I was gettin outta car this morning, when this flabby lookin fuck was ooglin me with some obvious stare that is just too sickening to be deemed as flattery. I looked away and pretended not to see him and went about my business, but his tailgazing me went increasingly annoying. I decided then to stop whatever i was doing, walked to approach this stupid fuck, and took my time to stare up and down. To my surprise, he didnt back down. He got off his bike, (for some reason that only he and God knows) took his helmet with him, stood infront of me and stared back. We did this for like - oh i dont know- maybe 5 seconds? but it felt a hella a lot longer, when suddenly I was being pulled back by that tiny lil voice inside me saying -- really Ipong, just give this hideous man that precious time of your life!-- Snapped back to the "rational me" (or more "the me" who is living in the island of jokes), i pulled my stare away, walked away and stole the winning opportunity by retorting " Ada apa pak liat liat?". Walking away, i could hear him shouting some balinese curse towards me. I smiled. Too late, chico! I had the moment, and you? my friend? got the ass to talk to.

Sigh. Balinese males are allowed to look at any female in the most offensive and disturbing way, and get away with it.
I love Bali.